essay review

essay review

check grammar, sentence structure, flow… And I want you to evaluate my essay and give suggestion how to change it better (specifically)

My mom always says to me, “You lazy beggar!! Stop watching TV and get out from that bed.Do some productive things!!” And I agree with my mom that I am a lazy person.But I have an excuse for being lazy. My laziness will eventually lead to the Fourth Revolution.When other people hear this by chance, it sounds like a weird and stupid. A lots of countries and people regard patience, sincerity and diligence as natural virtue. These sayings, ‘Many a little makes a mickle’, or Korean saying ‘if you sleep three hours, you pass exam. If you sleep five hours, you fail,’ all reflectthe successstory of diligence, which is opposite meaning of laziness.

But I believe this invincible formula, success story of diligence, will be eventually challenged.The person like me who just likes to lie down on the bed and do nothing will become pioneer of the development of the technology; and the laziness will be the motivation of the development. I am not saying the virtue of diligence is wrong. But the paradigm of industry is changing, technology and innovation is changing our lives day by day. I believe in the near future, it will be more important for the people to have ability to order computers, not learn what computers can learn. For this kind of world, it should be diligence for laziness, not diligence for diligence.

I felt this strongly when I was doing summer internship in a Fintech startup company. Fintech is an industry that uses new technology and innovation with available resources in order to compete in the marketplace of traditional financial institutions. To sum up, since people are so lazy they do not want go to bank to withdraw money and give it to a friend for paying for dinner, companies made the online banks. People, however, are so lazy that they feel online banking system is so cumbersome. For these kind of people,the company that I did internship came up with solution. That is, during internship, I had to make algorithm that helps and save these lazy people.I realized that the innovation for this industry, in fact, comes from laziness. Not only this industry, but also many other industries are doing same thing — saving lazy people. All the industries are developing in the sake of laziness, so that people can just watch Netflix all day.  In other words, this world is heading to ‘do not lift a hand’ world.

Paradoxically, to achieve ‘laziness.’ andto save lazy people, someone must have to be diligent. Someone must be curious and passionate by asking questions how can achieve more laziness. Someone must concern whether there is more

more efficient and convenient way to change the original system or mindset.

I hope that ‘someone’ can be me. And I believe to become ‘someone’, first I need to learn. I realized during internship and doing research that I need more knowledge and intuition to change the system more efficient. I need to learn how to approach this more systematically. But I cannot achieve this in my current college, since this college does not offer courses on these subjects. Therefore, I need to transfer to learn and study what I need, and to achieve my goal: laziness.

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